I don’t even know where to start.
This week, we had our first appointment with the midwives. She asked how many pregnancies and children we have. Its weird to say 3 pregnancies, one daughter.
3 pregnancies sound like a lot. But we only have one daughter.
And yes, I’m pregnant again…but it still feels like something is missing. I’m pretty open about our pregnancy loss we had last December. I thought I had mostly healed and we were ready to start again.
Truthfully, I’m appreciative of how the experience has helped me connect with other mothers with similar experiences. Not that its fun to be part of some special miscarriage club- but I can understand how they feel. I finally get why people are hesitant to bond with a pregnancy.
With EJ, we told Mary’s parents right away. Well, we waited 3 days after the 2nd pink line appeared to tell them.
With Bean, the pregnancy we lost, I knew something was off from the beginning. My quant levels were low, and I never got the “urgency” to pee like I did with EJ. I know that’s weird. But I distinctly remember telling the doctor- “I know something is wrong- because I don’t have to pee.” I felt another “soul” inside me with EJ, and I never felt that with Bean.
With this pregnancy, which we have dubbed, “Squishy”….I don’t know how I feel. I want to bond, but I’m afraid to. I’m only 10 weeks but we’ve had 3 ultrasounds. All of them have shown a heartbeat and baby growing right on track- but I’m still afraid to get excited.
It also doesn’t help that I feel differently with this pregnancy. With EJ, the moment I got pregnant I felt glowy right away. I loved being pregnant from the moment I found out I was until 37 weeks (when I was done with being pregnant in the August heat). I looked forward to creating a nursery. Growing a bump. Buying little onesies. I couldn’t wait to “look” pregnant. Couldn’t wait to feel kicks- and loved it when I finally did! I was oblivious- and convinced that everything would be perfect. And actually, with EJ it was- but now I have a lot of friends that had not so perfect pregnancies and deliveries, and I’m more aware of what could happen.
I’m really happy we are pregnant. And I’m relieved that things have been good so far.
But I’m still hesitant to dive head first the way I did with EJ.
Maybe its because I’ve had much more sickness with this pregnancy? I wasn’t nearly this sick with EJ, but with this pregnancy I’ve been taking nausea meds 2-3 times every day.
Maybe because we don’t have to do as much? Maybe this is actually reassuring because I’m not nervous. I know that I don’t need a perfect nursery- the baby will be attached to my boob all night so prepping another room is just pointless. We don’t need to buy a lot of things because we bought everything with EJ gender neutral. We can even use the cloth diapers again.
Maybe because I weigh more this pregnancy I’m not so in love with my body?
Maybe it seems to be going by faster because I’m chasing a toddler?
I don’t know. But I do know that I just feel differently this pregnancy. And its not necessarily bad, but its just not what I was expecting. I thought if you were one of those women who LOVED being pregnant, then you would LOVE being pregnant again. And I just don’t feel the same level as excitement. I’m hoping its just because I have less to worry about, less is unknown to me, less preparation- maybe I’m more prepared, more experienced, and this is all a sign of actually being a better mom.
Maybe my heart is still healing, and its okay for me to be more cautious. I know that this baby is meant for our family, and I know that we are so lucky. I know that this baby will be so loved by 2 moms and a very sweet big sister. But I’m going to try to make more efforts to take care of myself and this little “squishy”- try to spend more time being in touch with myself, and getting to know the little soul that seems very determined to be here.
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